As I find a wet paper towel to (for the umpteenth time) clean the chalk residue off my classic yoga pants, which confirms to me again why I don’t bother to wear anything but Kid-Proof pants, I find my mind wonders. Recently my thoughts have collected on a single topic:
I find myself in a period of starvation for adult contact and conversation.
My current employment (as a Nanny) has limited ability to roam outside of the house…and the children, only 4 years and under, fall short of holding a conversation past five sentences per topic. I am supporting my husband in his pursuit of a career change, and with his full-time job and night/weekend class, the countless months of household isolation have added up. Also, I don’t know if its me or not, but have other Mothers/Newfound Parents have a lack of social-outing offers? Somehow, because I now started a family, I have no reason to go out and grab a drink or two…..WRONG! Sometimes a drink and conversation is worth its weight in gold.
Maybe the perception is I will only talk about my kid. Don’t get me wrong, I Could fill countless hours with delightful stories of my adorable son….but I do understand that the earth rotates around the actual Sun and not mine.
Winter was the worst season of solitude and now with the summer sun, hindsight is clear. The occasional weekend outings with extended family and the rare playdates with a close friend were wonderful…. but why don’t people talk on the phone anymore? I would have loved a good hour-long chat with some old friends, who I know are busy with life and/or don’t live nearby.
I think about the friends and acquaintances I knew in the past and it prevents me from picking up the phone. It seems impossible Not to see how happy these people are, with all the Social Media sites providing me with tiny windows into true happy people’s lives and successful friendships. I am discouraged by this and put my phone away. What have I done to be iced out in adulthood by so many people!? Surely it has nothing to do with these old friends of mine, that means the problem is ME. Then start the never-ending toxic thoughts about how other people may perceive me…..gross. This isn’t worth it, I KNOW I will be happy to cuddle my little man and have a movie night instead.
Why do I crave conversation anyways? School settings provided me with almost all friendship opportunities, not seeing that as a privilege until it was gone. I grew up enjoying my solitude, which probably strained my friendships in the first place. I adapted to life in the “country” with very little neighbors. The firstborn to a loving family, and as the oldest I followed the rules of my parents, whom I claimed to be overprotective. I seem to understand more and more as I become a parent myself…..but more on that later. Looking back, I truly never fought hard to make waves, never risked much to stand up for any single friendship…..hmmmm…… Hard to accept the past sometimes.
So now I have a void in my life and I have realized its presence. Why is it important to “Make it Right”? I ask myself again: Why do I crave this?? Is it lust for validation? Validation of my life, my job, my child, my marriage? Am I so proud that I cannot contain it any longer? Am I needing to brag a bit, show off my “baby whispering” skills? Is it best I keep to myself for risk of showing these true feelings that I have? Can you imagine resenting yourself for being So Happy because it seems rude to share it with others?
Do I let these human traits keep me from reaching out to re-friend someone who is in need of a new shoulder to lean on? A fresh pair of ears to talk to? Adulthood and parenthood may be the roughest parts of life. All those years of school we went through and not one class prepared us fully on how to face Life Head On when “S*$@ hits the fan”.
Maybe I’m looking for a new form of Companionship, one that exists outside of my home life. I intend to step out of my current lifestyle….instead of watching through my screens as other people live their lives, I want to be a part of it. There may be challenges ahead, and I may need to start small with setting up phone dates, but I look forward to meeting up with some dear old friends!
Why Do I Crave Conversation? Because I pledge to physically lend a shoulder to a Friend. I’d like to put a little more Human back into Socializing.
Although, Wine Pairs Wonderfully with Motherhood, some thoughts are better pondered on sober 🙂 Until the next fun Craft or Recipe Pairing Post, give some time to check up on an old friend.